This book has been enlightening in a way I never expected. I mean, when my dear friend recommended it, I knew it would be something good, but I didn't expect to be so introspective as I read these teachings. We may have our diverse belief systems, but I feel like any and all of us can find some wisdom in Pema Chodron's teachings.
It would be so easy to continue being the cynic that I have always been. Past hurts have led me to expect only more hurts in the future. My diagnosis was the ultimate hurt that proved that my cynicism was warranted. I simply don't have enough words to describe the devastation and shock of Diagnosis Day.
The Venerable Pema Chodron says that:
"Every act counts. Every thought and emotion counts too. This is all the path we have [. . . ] We are only going to be here for a short while. Even if we live to be 108, our life will be too short for witnessing all its wonders. " (Chodron 141).This was perhaps the most difficult part for me to come to terms with; I say that life is too short, but how much do I really believe that? The words "cancer," "aggressive," and "incurable" hover around my head in a way I can never escape.
Life is too short.
Life is too short.
Life is too short.
Like a mantra, over and over again until I believe it. And still, I don't always believe it. Only when I learn to believe it will I be able to truly appreciate this life I have in front of me. Remember, we all have said that we might get hit by a bus tomorrow. I am staring down the grille of that bus. I need to make it all count. There are no worthless moments.
Sometimes, I get down on myself, because I talk a big game about appreciating life and taking in the wisdom of this Buddhist nun, but it is so often difficult to follow through when it is so easy to fall back into complacency.
The Venerable Pema Chodron says,
"Some of us can accept others right where they are a lot more easily than we can accept ourselves. We feel that compassion is reserved for someone else, and it never occurs to us to feel it for ourselves" (Chodron 140).I want to be more accepting of my situation, but if I am not intentionally thinking about it, I slip right back into that rage that burns inside of me because this is not fair. I have to really be consciously thinking about her teachings, because any moment in which I stop actively thinking about my extraordinary life is a moment when I am deluded into thinking that life is merely ordinary. I need to remind myself that this life is a gift, even if it is merely ordinary.
Things may fall apart, but learning to accept and embrace the chaos has been a transformative experience.
Read this book.
This is a difficult concept to think about because it strikes nothing but fear in me. It's brave to even tackle the.concept and let yourself feel even a bit of it. Love reading your thoughts even the hard ones.
ReplyDeleteTo say this has been easy to accept would be the lie of the decade. It may sound weird, but the best way I can describe it is by thinking about it so much that I essentially become desensitized to it. That's not to say that it isn't something to be afraid of, but that eventually you have to keep living *despite* the fear. It's scary, but I'm not letting that stop me yet.
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