In this highly consumerist society, we are inundated with commercials, billboards, and advertisements that tell us we are not thin enough, not pretty enough, not motivated enough, not feminine (or masculine) enough, not healthy enough, not good enough.
We all know that feeling; berating ourselves for not going to the gym even though that $50 membership fee is coming out every month. Feeling frustrated because we should be doing something productive, but there's a new season of Orange on Netflix and maybe now really is the best time to start watching Supernatural from the beginning, so maybe we will be productive enough tomorrow.
Tomorrow rolls around, and all that healthy food is in the fridge, but we would rather pick something up from some fast food restaurant because cooking takes too long, and it's boring, and we don't feel like washing the dishes. Tomorrow we have to cook that chicken we thawed before it starts to go bad, and those veggies are getting mushy and nobody wants to eat half-spoiled food, so let's just clean out the fridge and try again tomorrow.
Tomorrow we'll be motivated enough.
According to the Venerable Pema Chodron,
"It is said that we can't attain enlightenment, let alone feel contentment and joy, without seeing who we are and what we do, without seeing our patterns and our habits. This is called maitri—developing loving-kindness and an unconditional friendship with ourselves" (Chodron 26).
How many of us have that voice whispering just behind us that reminds us of all the ways we are not enough? I will be the first to admit that I am a Master of Negative-Self-Talk.
Would you ever tell your friend that she looks especially ugly today?
Of course not.
Yet too many of us bring exactly that kind of negativity and intolerance upon ourselves. What if we tried to be as protective to ourselves as we are towards our friends and family?
Interestingly enough, as I ponder these ideas, I realize that I am viewing this negative-self-talk as a problem that needs to be fixed. The Venerable Pema Chodron has this to say:
"What makes maitri such a different approach is that we are not trying to solve a problem. We are not striving to make pain go away . . . In fact, we are giving up control altogether and letting concepts and ideals fall apart" Chodron 26).
For me, one of the more difficult parts of being diagnosed with cancer is that so much of it is outside of my control. Because of this, I so frequently feel like I'm losing myself. The entire reason this is called More than My Diagnosis is that I was afraid of losing my identity to this disease. I hate the thought of being the Cancer Lady.
By trying to maintain complete control over this, I feel like I am grabbing a handful of sand that is the essence of me. I fill my hand with as much sand as I can hold, and then I squeeze my hand into a fist.
The tighter I squeeze my hand to hold onto my essence, the more grains of sand slip between my fingers. If my goal is to keep as much of myself as possible, I have to let my hand relax before I lose everything that is me.
With a diagnosis like this, and a personality like mine, do you know how hard it is to just relax and let go? I have learned that letting things fall as they may is hard. but only by relaxing and giving up control do I get to keep the most of what I am afraid of losing: myself.
Instead of squeezing, I need to find peace within myself; only then will I be able to hold on.
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