Original poem, and a commentary on quarantine

discarded mask

disgusted by the disposable nature of safety

one year ago I would not have needed the muzzle

keeping me in

keeping you out

stifled by hot breath

disgusted by myself

why is it I have to burp every time I put on the mask?

disappointed in protesters who disrespect my condition for their "constitutional rights"

Freedom to kill me

dissolves my Freedom to be

I long for before

1 impatiently wait for after

unable to mask my disgust at the unmasked-

so afraid of every cough, every sneeze.

- 21 May 2020

I wrote this for my writing group a few weeks ago, and I want to talk about this coronapocalypse. Now, I know that people are stir crazy, fighting cabin fever, and trying to figure out how not to dropkick their kids out the window.

The thing is I've been essentially on lock-down, self-quarantining since flu season started. I go out every once in a while with The Husband, with my reusable washable mask, and tons of hand sanitizer. Our trips out are quick and purpose-driven, and involve very little in the way of meandering. Since I've been essentially in isolation since December (I think?), I've become very uncomfortable being in public. People cough, sneeze, and breathe on all kinds of things that I don't even want to think about. So essentially I stay in my house.

On top of all of that, I just recently started anOTHER new chemo protocol. Plus my wonderful oncology team has so kindly added even more pills to take every day.

I've got uppers, downers, anti-inflammatory pills, antacids, the whole lot. This new treatment protocol is HARD. Not to get into too much whiny detail, but sometimes it feels like drowning under the weight of it all. I've been trying to keep up with people as much as I have the time and energy to do so, but y'all, I am tired. There is nothing interesting happening, and because I am even more immunocompromised than before, I really just don't trust going out in the public. If one flu virus or strep germ gets to me, it could be incredibly dangerous.

So, that being said, I know that I've been pretty radio silent for a while. I know there is a whole apocalypse happening out there in the world. My silence doesn't mean I don't notice what is happening out there. My silence means that I have my actual literal brain as my top priority right now. That is all I can focus on at the moment, and you know what, I have actual literal brain cancer. I think this focus is fair.