The News is Out There

There is an undeniable sense of relief in having the news out there.

Four weeks ago, that rockstar neurosurgeon was cutting into my head with the kind of confidence that only a rockstar neurosurgeon can have. Two weeks ago, I was getting my staples out. As soon as those staples came out, just like ripping off a bandaid, I got my diagnosis.

So much of that first week was a blur of shock and tears and rage. To say that I never expected this diagnosis is the ultimate understatement. I don't want to admit how many meltdowns I had, and I definitely don't want to say how much time I spent crying. But, eventually, the shock wore off, the tears dried, and the rage turned to... I don't want to say peace or acceptance; it turned to that moment where I braced myself so that I could draw from every reserve of strength I have in the deepest and most private corners of my heart.

I spent the last week recovering, both from the shock of the diagnosis, and, oh yeah, brain surgery. The hardest part of it all was dealing with a body that was too tired to really do anything, and a spirit that was too afraid. This is the second hardest part to admit: I have so much fear that I am fighting to overcome. Some days, I feel ready. Most days, I am just scared.

The thing is, the fear isn't gone. I'm still afraid. On Monday, radiation therapists will aim a beam of radiation at my brain, and you know what? That is terrifying. There is no getting around that, and I feel like it is completely fair to be scared.

What I do know is that the fear is relieved by the fact that I don't have to feel like I'm keeping some terrible secret. The news is out there: I have cancer. 

So, there it is. 





If you want to help me, here are some things that I could use:

My Amazon Wish List: These are items that I need to help me prepare for these treatments. Because all of this happened so quickly after moving into a new house, some of the items on this list are specifically to help make the house comfortable, especially because I will be home and not working for at least the next six weeks, and traveling 30 miles for radiation five days a week. There are also gift cards listed here because any amount will help pay for gas or groceries. 

My Second Amazon Wish List: These are comfort items, things that I think will help make me more comfortable over the next several weeks that I will be home. These things might not necessarily be needed, but will absolutely help keep me positive and prepared to fight.

• In this second wish list, you might notice many Wonder Woman items. I am drawing strength and confidence from Wonder Woman, and will be wearing something with her logo on it every single day of my treatment. It may seem silly, but these little symbols help me. 

My CashApp: I hate to even ask, but if you are willing and able to donate any amount at all, it would help me pay for gas, groceries, and other necessities, especially while I am not working.

Right now, we are still considering creating a GoFundMe, if we do so, any help in spreading the word will be greatly appreciated.