Day 2: The Truth is Hard

I'm writing this before my chemo and radiation treatments, because the truth is that yesterday was hard, and today is hard. I've been putting on the strong face and trying to stay in good spirits, but keep in mind that I had brain surgery just about a month ago and got my diagnosis just about two weeks ago. To go from the shock of that diagnosis to chemo/radiation while still recovering from brain surgery with an incision that still hurts and a head that still hurts is a lot.

The thing is, recovering from brain surgery is just awful. I've had very minor physical or cognitive deficits that anyone would notice. I had a little trouble mixing up words at first, but that seems to have improved. Mostly, it's just that my attention span has dwindled so much that I feel like I can barely focus on anything. So, because I have felt almost but not quite myself since the surgery, I've been working on my neuroplasticity. To exercise my brain, I've been playing Words With Friends 2, and I've been practicing my Spanish and Italian in Duolingo. It's not much, but it's making me work in a way that seems to be helping.


The truth, though, is that it has been rough. This strong face can only stay on for so long before the mask cracks and the truth leaks out.

Today, I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to be cancer-lady. I wanted to go back to my regular life; it was certainly not perfect, but it was mine. I feel like I've lost control. Maybe I need to accept that certain things are just outside of my control, but it's been two weeks since I found out my diagnosis. That is hardly enough time to become accustomed to anything. I am still more than my diagnosis, but some days, it is harder to remind myself of that.

And I haven't even had my treatment, yet.

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow must be better.