The little things add up to the ugly side.

I thought that finishing chemo and radiation meant that the hard part was over.

I was wrong.

Since finishing, I've had more time on my hands than I care to think about. Being idle is bad, but being unmotivated is worse. The fatigue hit me pretty hard, too, so all in all it has been a rough couple of weeks.

I'm not technically allowed to drink on the medication that I am on. I wish I could.

Nobody ever said that cancer was supposed to be fun, but this waiting period, where I don't know what exactly I'm waiting for, is especially unbearable. I don't even know what phase 2 of treatment looks like. I might find out next week. Or I might not.

My head itches. The last week of radiation left visible burns on my head. While I would hardly argue that I'm the queen of vanity, I will say that catching people staring at my head makes me feel weird in a way I never expected. The skin started peeling off of the burn, so that is a little extra itchy and unpleasant.

Small things are leading to panic attacks that I thought I had under control. I was wrong.

The body is a fickle thing. I am out of shape and still in recovery from some pretty traumatic stuff, right? Yet walking outside in the heat leads to me getting shortness of breath, which then scares me, which leads to panic attacks.

I'm thirsty like I've never had water before in my life. I still mostly just want things that are cold. But I also get cold easily, so all I want is to be cocooned in a blanket all day with a super ice-cold drink by my side.

I don't want to leave my house.

My hair is still falling out.

I'm in a constant bad mood.

The Husband is doing the best he can with me, but I will be the first to admit that I've not been an easy patient lately. I just don't want to do anything, decide anything, think anything. And I'm tired of listening to myself complain.

I didn't expect this part to be so hard.