Books: Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I've Loved by Kate Bowler (Part 3)

So let's continue talking about the cancer book. As a reminder, here's what I've talked about so far: I told you some before stories. I talked about the American Dream. Now let's talk about Today.

Everything Happens for a Reason by Kate Bowler

Not today, specifically, but the idea of Today in general. Today, you woke up with a list in mind of things that need to get done. Pay some bills. Feed those children. Work that job. Scrub the floors. Work that second job. Work out. Eat a meal. Hug those children. That's just for today.

"I am stuck in present tense. With a scan around every corner, I have lost the ability to make extended plans, to reach into the future and speak its language" (Bowler 143).

Today, I wrote. I rested. I begrudgingly allowed myself time to recover from the hell that is chemo/radiation lingering side effects AND multiple prescription medication side effects. In several weeks, I have a follow-up scan. Until then...

No plans.

No anticipation.

No social schedule.

Nothing.

I can only process one Today at a time. I might plan to see my HeteroLifeMate* tomorrow, but Today, I don't know if I'll have the physical or emotional energy to see this beautiful beast.

I'm not an alcoholic, but I have to learn to take things one day at a time, and that is just so frustrating.

The last time I went out with friends, I had a panic attack in the middle of the restaurant. How does a person make plans when I can't even trust my own body to do what I ask of it? When will I be able and willing to try another social outing again?

Not Today.

"[M]y own suffering began to feel like it had revealed to me the suffering of others, a world of those who, like me, are stumbling in the debris of dreams they thought they were entitled to and plans they didn't realize they had made" (Bowler 121).

It is so easy to feel like we are the first and only ones to suffer our particular trials. To feel alone in our tribulations. Even though this book wasn't exactly made for me, it helped me to understand that, whether it's brain cancer, breast cancer, bowel cancer, or anything in between, we are all struggling to clean up the debris of a future unmade and dreams dismantled.

What does this mean to me now?

Now, I need to learn to remake my future with grace and forgiveness of my own body that betrays me every Today. I need to learn to build dreams that take into account the abilities of Today's Melissa. Today, I need to learn how to plan when I can only be certain of one Today at a time.

*Best friend from college, celebrating TWENTY years of friendship because she is OLD.