I feel so weird about this. I should be happy to completing this stage, right? But I'm not?
So at the end of this week I get to ring the bell to signify the end of radiation. This is supposed to be a joyous moment to celebrate the end of this stage. Meanwhile, here I am trying and failing to work up any joy because even though I will be finished with radiation, I will never be cancer-free. The treatment, of some kind or another, will be with me for the rest of my life. So how to I feel happy about finishing something when it's only one of several phases I will be going through for the rest of my life?
This treatment regime that I'm going through is only phase 1. We don't yet know what phase 2 will look like, but right now, it is very likely going to involve trying to get into a clinical trial. My GoFundMe has not made nearly enough money to fund these potential clinical trials, especially if they involve any amount of travel or require relocation. How do I ring a bell when I don't even know if I can afford stage 2 of treatment?
I know, I know, I should keep my hopes up and continue with the positive vibes, but do you know how hard that can be when your cancer is incurable?
The Husband says that the ringing of the bell is as much for the radiation therapists and staff at the cancer institute as it is for the patients. I can see that, because those are some truly wonderful, kind, and compassionate people who take care of me and hundreds (thousands?) of others. The Husband says that the staff at the cancer institute need something to celebrate.
But I can't help but feel like it's a false celebration at a party I don't even want to go to.
So what do I do? Do I ring the bell even though I don't really know that I want to? Do I ring the bell for the therapists and caregivers? Do I ring the bell for The Husband? Do I ring it for me as an intermediary celebration before moving on to the next phase?
What do I do?
You don’t have to ring the bell. They're probably people who don’t. And thats ok too. Sometimes people only want the happy endings with Cancer. So you survive how you want to. Everyone especially your amazing Husband will totally get that. We love you. Whether you ring a bell or not.
ReplyDeleteYou will know the right thing to do when you get there. Do what feels right and let you feel like you have completed something. Life is a never-ending journey of starts and finishes, so finish this part the way you want to and then move on to the next. Stay strong and know I love you.
ReplyDeleteYou almost completing one task of many. And this is hopefully the hardest one of all. You have been a Super super woman with Superman right by your side. Stay strong and f**k cancer. You will never be cancer free, but you are fighting this mf with every strength you have. Blessings! I love you both.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDo what you want with the bell...but know that you should take note of every victory and remember that the obstacles don’t define your progress. I have been an oncology nurse. We want to know that you are being true to yourself. You don’t owe the nurses or anyone else. This is your life celebrate however YOU like! But make sure to celebrate somehow! Love you!
ReplyDeleteLove u mel. F*** the bell, unless ... Like the Liberty was cracked and still put on its pedestal. If u feel "free" to ring it, RiNg aWaY!!YOU'RE SUPPORTED NO MATTER. WE WILL HELP YOU GATHER FUNDS. LOVE U
ReplyDeleteRing the bell. Or take a baseball bat to the bell. Or stand up tall and proud and strut past that bell because it does not define who you are, what your path will be, or the impact you have had on those that have had the pleasure of taking care of you. Take it from this nurse - nothing empowers your caregivers to do their jobs well more than watching you bravely step into your next stage of treatment. No matter where your treatment path takes you, your life and your outlook will impact people everywhere you go.
ReplyDelete