Typically, on a day like today, I would be meeting anywhere from 30 to 80 new students on this the first day of school. The students don't seem to notice it, but usually I am as nervous for the first day as they are. I would talk about my classroom policies. I would show them their textbooks and explain how to get them. I would let them introduce themselves to each other, and to me. I would hide the first day of school jitters, and get right into the swing of things. By the end of the day, I probably would have forgotten most of the names of my new students, but I would work hard to get those names to stick in my head.
Today, I had no students to meet. No classes to teach. No textbooks to show, and no introductions to make.
Today, I ate, I napped, I cooked. I did my treatment, and then I napped some more. Today, more than any other day, I felt my diagnosis and it hurt me. I love to teach, and it is so hard to deal with losing my identity as an English Instructor, even if just for now. I miss the students that I won't get to meet. The awkward ones who will take weeks to open up to me, and the extroverted ones who will want to be BFFs right away. The high school dual enrollment students who don't quite know how to be college students, the freshman students who don't want to let go of high school, and the grown students who just want to get through this even as they work, raise their kids, pay their mortgage, get a divorce.
This is one of the hardest parts of my diagnosis. I've become so accustomed to having my life structured around the semester schedule. To paying attention to which classes are taught on which days. To studying up, because the craziest part of teaching is preparing yourself for the off-the-wall questions and oddball non sequiturs that students inevitably come up with. To planning my office hours and squeezing in the grading, reading, and advising. To updating PowerPoints, coming up with collaborative projects and thinking of other active learning activities.
Instead, I am finding other ways to structure my days. It's not the same as the structure of teaching, but for now, it will have to do.
To all of my co-workers and colleagues, I hope this first day of school went as smoothly and with the least amount of chaos as possible.
Happy first day of school!
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ReplyDeleteMiss you at tc. Typical first day and week. Parking a pain, crazy eyed students and rushed last minute preparations. I know you would give anything to be back and cancer to be gone. Think of u often ad hoping you keep fighting,sleeping,eating and blogging. Susan C
ReplyDeleteSo far the eating has been the hardest part, but the fight continues on! Miss you tons!
DeleteIt was your typical first day, I also get crazy nerves but seem to make it through even though it was a Monday and I'm not used to Monday Wednesday Fridays. I miss having you in the office next to me but think about you all the time and know that you are getting better day by day.
ReplyDeleteI just have to keep reminding myself that I'll be back before I know it. I'm looking forward to being back with the AC family :)
DeleteIt's been a pretty smooth opening, but with those typical jitters. We miss you! Every time I think of you or pray for you, I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes about life: "Courage is only possible in the presence of fear." I'm proud of your courage and your honesty. Hang in their Girl!
ReplyDeleteThere is plenty of fear here, but I am drawing so much strength from the kind and supportive words of my TCTC family. I hope this first week goes as smoothly as any first week can go!
DeleteYou have been an amazing teacher these past four years. Take the semester to recover your stamina. You will be back before you know it.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I am looking forward to coming back!
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