All Things Considered, A Good Day

So.

I have been in the hospital since Wednesday? I think. What I thought was a minor infection turned out to be something a little more serious. 

The neurosurgeon did a procedure to clean the infection out of my incision. I've been on IV antibiotics and under close observation for the last several days. The chemo and radiation are on hold until the infection is under control

As you may have seen, my previous post was about a bad day, and many of the subsequent days have also been bad. I was in pain. Poked and prodded. Tired and sleep deprived. Having adverse reactions to antibiotics. Overall, just having a hard time of it all. I knew that this diagnosis meant that my life would have unexpected speed bumps. It somehow never occurred to me that I would hit a speed bump like this when we've barely gotten out of the driveway. It would actually be more accurate if we called it a brick wall across the driveway: how do you even start rolling?

The thing is, being in the hospital, the infection seems to be responding to the IV antibiotics. I feel a little better. The medical staff here are amazing, even when I've been incredibly cranky. The Husband has been by my side this whole time, and very kindly getting me anything and everything I want to eat, even though my appetite has been an unpredictable mess.

Even though my condition has improved, I have to admit that I had to face some deep fears. In my life, I have enjoyed doing many things that scare me (not that I'm a daredevil, but a little adventure never hurt anyone). I have gone skydiving, taken helicopter rides, snorkeled with manatees, presented at conferences, ziplined, and touched jellyfish. After all of that, being admitted to the hospital this time meant that I had to acknowledge that my deepest fear was that they would do a scan and find that my tumor came back. This might not be a rational fear, but you and I both know that fears are rarely rational.

So they did a scan to check on the infection. While the infection was concerning, the incredibly good news was that the site where the rockstar neurosurgeon took out the tumor looks just like it did immediately post-op. This is incredibly good news.

My deepest fear was unfounded. Of all things I'm afraid of, for now, this is one I can set to the side. I cannot explain how much of a relief that was.

Today, I actually felt better. Closer to resembling myself. My energy was better.

Frankly, now, I'm finally ready to get the heck home. I can do this.

It was a setback, and sitting in a hospital for 5 days is a heck of a way to adjust my attitude. I thought I could just strong-arm my way through this, but then I didn't know what to do when I wasn't feeling strong. I had to remind myself that sometimes, strength is not about ignoring the fear, but about refusing to let the fear control me. My fear of heights didn't stop me from skydiving. My fear of large wild sea animals didn't stop me from snorkeling with manatees. My fear of public speaking didn't stop me from presenting at a conference. And my fear of this diagnosis will not stop me from fighting.

So, today I drew strength from the support of The Husband. I drew strength from my close friends who have been keeping up with me through text and occasional phone calls. I drew strength from visitors (old friends and new friends alike) who reminded me that even though this diagnosis sucks, there is so much more to me than this.

I can do this. It may just be the first of many setbacks, but the reality is that I've accomplished so many things out of sheer force of will. This will just be another one of those things.