This post was written in January with instructions for the husband to release it in the event I begin to decline to a point I can no longer post it myself. Although it is a bit all over the place, it is
to serve as a way to explain some of my final wishes. This is not to be mean or
be disrespectful to anyone’s views or personal beliefs, but to explain mine. It is very important to understand
I will be cremated most Ricky tick after I die. I don’t want euphemisms like
she passed away or moved on to better place or moved up to the farm, I’m not a
dog. I do not want pieces of my ashes split up and distributed to be kept
in urns, lockets or bottles like a souvenir.
Ok so when I die, leave the husband in peace. I’m not trying to be mean and cold here but please give him his space. Everyone has their way of dealing with loss, let him deal with my death in his own way as he needs to. Be prepared for a period of silence to come after he finishes passing along the news of my death. He plans to shut off his phone and lock the door for at least a week so don’t bother to call or knock on the door, he will not answer. The house is stocked with food and everything he needs so there is no need to offer to cook or clean for him. Trust me, he will be ok.
Also very important, there will be no formal memorial service, no clergy, etc because those tend towards the religious and I am not a believer. Please don't worry about my soul, I do not believe that the soul is a thing that exists other than as in shorthand I use to refer to the husband as my soulmate. If you choose to gather amongst yourselves for something, please take it as an opportunity to celebrate my life and not to memorialize it. There should be no talk of sadness over a life cut short or how unfair it is that this happened to me. I used the time I had to do the things I wanted, took risks, made mistakes, learned from them and moved on. I do not have regrets about anything and am peace with this.
As I said before, I will be cremated and my ashes placed quickly after I die. No compromises on that. No casket or coffin! No wake or viewing! I will not be buried in the ground. I want to just be ashes and that’s it. The husband knows when the end comes, I want the ashes to lay in peace and not be disturbed. So he will take them to where I want them to be placed shortly after the cremation. I do not want people to visit where that is so please do not ask where that is because per my wishes, he will not tell you. And per my wishes, once placed even he will never visit them.
I want all of you to know that I love you, that it's been an extraordinary life with no regrets. I had my adventures, I completed almost the entirety of my bucket list. The only thing I wish is that I could have made it back to Italy again.
Y’all I have said it before, cancer sucks! When I die I don’t want to be surrounded by an audience. Death is not a spectator sport. Also, I did confirm with my Hospice nurse that shortly before you die there is a chance you can void your bowels. I’m not interested in having an audience to watch me poop the bed. You also void your bladder. I don’t need a cheering squad to watch me pee myself either. So yeah it will be unpleasant, but I am ok with dying quietly in my sleep, but want to die in peace and with dignity. There will be no compromises or exceptions to this rule. So please so not ask to be here. Per my wishes, when things start heading that way, the husband will not open the door for anyone, no exceptions. There will be no compromises to this rule.
There won’t be any surprises. We already know what to expect. The Hospice staff is very generous with keeping me comfortable. They will be preventing pain, keeping me comfortable and they will be able to tell when the end is coming. When death is on its way, they will be able to give us warning so it is not such a surprise. I do not want to be surrounded by family and friends because I don't want people to cry over me while I die or when I am dead, interfere with the hospice staff and their process. Please understand that will not bring me back or do anything different to change the situation. I also do not want your last memory of me to be of that. I have an outstanding hospice nurse who is very good at what she does and a husband that has been taking care of me since the very beginning.
As my favorite author says “You get what anyone gets you get a lifetime.” I had an extraordinary lifetime with no regrets and filled with love.
Ok now for you guys. When the time comes, if you need it get therapy, don’t be ashamed of that. Mental health is a very important topic for me. Don't get stuck in this, if you need it talk to a therapist, get Prozac if you have to. Its ok. Prozac is an anti-depressant; those are a good thing for people that need it and that’s how I made it to where I did. If you feel anxious find a doctor and get the help you need.
Through this I have had a Rockstar neurosurgeon that did so much to help me. A very kind and caring neuro oncologist that honestly did everything he could and more for me. A husband that never left my side through this whole ordeal. Friends and family that stuck by me, cared about me and helped support me. Even people I have never even met from online or from the Husbands work. Everyone involved has been truly amazing. But remember from the beginning they told me this was incurable, told me they could not save me, but would do everything they could for me. And that is what they did. We are talking hundreds of appointments. Hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of surgeries and treatments. But in the end, we always knew this was going to be the result.
There are not enough words to thank everyone who cared, supported, donated and listened. You helped more than you know.
I have no regrets living the extraordinary life I lived. My advice to everyone, dare to be brave, do things that that scare you, get outside of your comfort zone, because that's the point.
Love you all…
