Sometimes It IS the little things

There comes a point in time where quarantine makes you crazy.

Now, being generally introverted and a loner helps, and I actually like spending time with The husband who is also generally introverted and a loner so it's all good, right?

BUT.

We can only sit and stare at these four walls for so long. The walls are great, but remember, I started my own quarantine when last flu season started. October-ish?

That is a really long time to be stuck in the house.

So, this morning, I woke up like a light switch went off in my head. Back in the before, The Husband and I were avid campers. I can't exactly go camping in my current condition, but we sure as hell could string up our hammocks by the lake and just enjoy a morning of social distancing and changing the scenery.

So I put The Husband to work stringing up both of our hammocks. I usually do my own, but he very kindly took care of it so that I could save some energy. (He's so nice to me!)

With the exception of occasional walks, I've spent almost no time outside, which is tough because we used to camp and hike just about every summer, just to be outside. I don't like bugs crawling on me, but I really like being outside.

I digress.

So this is a lake near where we live.

And these are my feet in the hammock next to the lake near where we live. Beautiful view and very quiet and relaxing. I brought a notebook with every intention of writing a letter, or a poem, or maybe a story or something.

Instead, my feet stayed right there and I dozed off for a while. I woke up when my belly started grumbling, so we cleared up, grabbed lunch, and went home. All in all, I'd argue it was one of the best quarantine days we've had in a while.

Original Creative Piece: Sometimes

Sometimes, there are so many words inside of my head, I feel like I might explode. I have poems, and stories, vivid memories and hazy images, all scrambling to escape.

Sometimes, those words hit my soul.

Ocean.

Water.

Waves.

Salt.

Floating. Adrift. Endless.

Sometimes, I write about the sea

Sometimes, I don't know how to say what I want to say.

Honest? Hurtful? Unfiltered? Blunt? Brutal?

Softened? Eased? Semi-true?

I don't know where my inspiration comes from. My Rockstar Neurosurgeon has been inside my head. Has he met my Muse? Does he know where the ideas hide? Where they develop? How they are born?

Sometimes, the words burn inside of me. An inferno of rage. A conflagration consuming me from deep inside.

Hot.

Hateful.

Unkind.

The worst parts, burned beyond ugliness. Too charred to share.

Sometimes, the thoughts fly out of my head. Too jumbled, bursting forth like starlings flying together and apart as if of one mind. Flying is better than falling. Few things are better than flying. Flying is freedom. Falling is inevitable. Falling is fate, for all of us, eventually.

Sometimes, the words are the most important thing in the world.

Sometimes, they are just words.

Cancer update!

Still have cancer! Got a recent scan, results are stable-ish. Stable enough that there is no need to panic at this point. The cancer is just doing what it does, so we adjust the pills as needed, and re-scan in a couple of months to see what's happening in there.

Really, at this point, MRIs are almost boring. I fall asleep in there every single time, so if nothing else, I know I can squeeze in a nap for the day.

So, the good news is that today, I actually AM more than my diagnosis. The cancer is not the most important or exciting thing about me. I have my writing, my awesome cancer friends (I never expected to be able to say that!), and somehow, even with stupid coronapocalypse quarantine, I'm managing to stay reasonably busy considering I almost never leave the house besides treatments and bloodwork.

Is that it? I think that's it.

Reminder, kids, cancer still sucks!

Spoon Theory and being an Introvert

The other day, I forgot for just a little while, to keep track of my spoons. If you are not familiar with Spoon Theory, I strongly recommend you click through the link here. It's not very long, and it may explain quite a lot if you know or are close with someone dealing with chronic illness. Go ahead. Click the link and do some reading.

Okay, ready? Let's talk about spoons.

Before all of this, I was aware of spoon theory, but I was oh so lucky. I didn't actually have to keep that close a count on my spoons.

It's really quite incredible how brain surgery, radiation, chemo, and all the rest steal your spoons before you even know what happened. This damn spoon thief -- just wow.

Some mornings, I wake up, slowly, sluggishly, and I can just tell that putting my feet on the floor is going to cost me. And some mornings, I wake up feeling full of inspiration and energy, feeling like maybe the spoon thief forgot to get me while I was asleep, and I start with three extra spoons for no particular reason. When I wake up with those glorious extra spoons, I have to take advantage when I can, because who even knows when that will happen again.

So, the thing is, cancer fatigue is a real pain, because side effects of cancer, brain surgery, chemo, radiation, and all those pills also make it hard to predict just how quickly those spoons will slip through my fingers.

The simple act of writing my blog is absolutely exhausting and costs me more spoons than I care to admit. Writing a blog post might take me 30 minutes or it might take me three hours, and I have no way of knowing before I get started. By the time I'm finished and ready to post, I need to eat a snack, grab something to drink, and take a nap. Spoon count doesn't matter at that point: it takes brain power that is not in full supply to get these words out of my head. I love to write. I love to write so much, but at this point, writing feels like an athletic activity, most of the time. I am just always so tired.

While we are here, let's talk about being an introvert. There are conflicting theories out there about whether introversion or extroversion are really a real thing, but let me explain. Introversion does not mean being shy. It does not mean being quiet. Simply, introversion means that it costs energy (spoons) to be around certain people in social situations (parties I guess, what else did we do before quarantine?). For extroverts, they feel recharged being around people, so they gain spoons by being social around most people. For me, most social situations cost me spoons. That doesn't mean that I don't like and/or want to spend time with my friends, but I have to watch that spoon count.

So the other day, I talked with a couple of good friends on Zoom. After that I got to Skype with my oldest friend. By the time I finished talking with these friends about whom I care very deeply I was so tired and done that I proceeded to take a four hour nap. I only woke up because I was hungry, The Husband very kindly cooked a delicious dinner for me, but I still basically wasn't worth a damn the rest of the day. That was the reminder I didn't know I know I needed that it's not just about the spoons, but also keeping track of over-planning stuff for myself. I always feel so guilty for not keeping up with people, or having to cancel or bow out of my online social life, but I am just always so tired. So yeah, if you call or text me at any time of day or night, there is a solid 95% chance I'm just asleep. Gotta hoard those spoons.

Read with Me: The Cast by Amy Blumenfeld (Lacuna Loft Book Club)

Amazon Link

Twenty-five years ago, a group of ninth graders produced a Saturday Night Live–style videotape to cheer up their ailing friend. The show’s running time was only ninety minutes, but it had a lasting impact: Becca laughed her way through recovery, and the group―Jordana, Seth, Holly, and Lex―became her supporting cast for life.


On the silver anniversary of Becca Night Live, the friends reunite over the Fourth of July to celebrate Becca’s good health―but nothing goes as planned. The happy holiday card facades everyone’s been hiding behind quickly crumble and give way to an unforgettable three days filled with complex moral dilemmas and life-altering choices. Through humor, drama, and the alternating perspectives of five characters, The Cast explores the power of forgiveness, the importance of authenticity, and the immeasurable value of deep, enduring friendships to buoy us when life plays out differently than expected.

So I joined this book club through Lacuna Loft, a young adult cancer support community that has made an incredible difference in my life, especially during this stupid quarantine. You may have read some of my original pieces, which have been inspired by the writing group, but there is so much more to it. I've made some incredible friends. I feel like this has given the cancer a meaning that I never expected.

Anyway, I digress.

I started the first chapter of this book, and I'll be truly honest, I was not hooked. It felt too busy too quickly for me, and there were too many characters introduced rapid-fire for me to keep up. Also, with the story starting with 9th grade students, I felt like it was a little younger of a YA book than I was ready for. Overall, I was critical straight off the bat, and struggled to get through that first chapter. I read plenty of YA fiction, but I started to worry that maybe this was a bad idea because it was just not my type of book. I'm  sucker for science fiction, dystopian fiction, philosophy, a little bit of everything in between. This was somehow not what I was expecting

Chapter 2 caught my attention and I started to have a lot of feelings about the situation. I don't want to spoil anything yet, but I will say that there were a few well placed cliffhangers in this chapter that had me questioning my initial judgment of the book in the first chapter. In one margin, I wrote down "WHAT?!?" I didn't know how to react, and then I just had to push on through.

I am now about 6 chapters in, and I need a minute to contemplate what in the what is happening. Whoo, I can tell this is going to be a roller coaster. So who wants to join in on this wild ride?