Well,
one year ago today, I was diagnosed with brain cancer. I'm still here,
still mostly me, minus a few bones and plus a few extra scars. When it
comes down to it, I don't want to celebrate this as some special
milestone; I just want to say that inertia keeps me going, and as long
as I can keep on going, I will keep on going.
As a young kid, I remember taking a special test, and in the 3rd grade I was moved to the Gifted class. I was proud of being a smart kid. I loved to read (still do) but for me, for most of my life, my proudest asset was my intelligence, my logic, my rationality. Life played a dirty trick on me by letting this happen, and it just wasn't fair. I felt betrayed, lost.
I was afraid.
But
it wasn't just the cancer, I was afraid of losing myself. I begged my
Rockstar Neurosurgeon not to make me stupid. I was so scared to wake up
from actual literal brain surgery having forgotten how to read, how to
spell, how to write.
Would
I even know if that part of me was erased? Who would I be without that
part of me? My Rockstar Neurosurgeon is a true Rockstar, and I came out
of that first (of multiple) brain surgeries with very little in the way of
deficits. My reading speed slowed down, but otherwise I was okay.
Since
then I've had radiation beamed directly into my head, three different
kinds of chemo, three brain surgeries, countless MRIs, finding more
tumors, and the never-ending isolation of Covid quarantine. But
after a year of all of this, I am doing okay. As okay as I can be with
cancer.
Yeah, I have cancer, but I'm not helpless, and I'm not dying
yet. I spent a lot of time thinking about my inevitable mortality,
staring at that bus. It took me a long time, but I am finally able
to stop thinking about it, at least for days or even weeks at a time.
It's not about dying of cancer any more. For now, I choose to mark this
milestone by living with cancer. No cakes or parties because I don't
want your germs, but I won't say no to a few more penpals, and if you
would like to donate I still have that Gofundme, Amazon wish list, Cashapp, stuff
like that. Do you know how much it costs to keep up with prescription copays?It's a LOT
My family and friends who have been here for me, thank you for all of your love and support. It means more to us than you could possibly know.
Ok, ready to hear the original poem of the day?
Things they don’t tell you about cancer:
It is lonely
It is frightening
Everything hurts
The chemo isn’t even the worst part
Well, sometimes, it is
There is so much to keep track of
Like a full-time job
Flu season is scary
Covid quarantine is pants-shittingly terrifying
You can’t hug every friend or family member you see
No matter how much a good strong embrace would help
It is too dangerous
Besides
Your skin will hurt
Your stomach will hurt
Even hugging your dog will hurt
there is so much fear
Is this a normal cancer symptom?
When should I worry?
When should I just take a valium and go to sleep?
How to turn off the loop in my head?
Cancer cancer cancer
Cancer cancer cancer
Eat dream and breathe cancer
It erases who you were
A professional
A friend
A sister
A daughter
Instead you become the diagnosis
Cancer cancer cancer
A reader
A writer
A mentor
Cancer cancer cancer
Consuming you
Destroying you
Shredding you to bits
Tearing away all of your softest spots
Leaving you with only the hardest pieces
Cancer cancer cancer
It leaves you with nothing but stone
They don’t tell you that you will have to be stronger than you have ever been
That the scars will harden you
Preparing you for the fight of your literal life
It will be quiet
Whispers and murmured euphemisms
So many prayers and thoughts
Overflowing good vibes and warm fuzzies
They won’t tell you any of these things.
- 11 June 2020
That's my stuff for today. I hope you have a good day. Love you guys!